How Do You Measure Your Worth?

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You say I am loved, when I can’t feel a thing”

You say I am strong, when I think I am weak”

You say I am held, when I am falling short”

When I don’t belong, You say I am yours….And I believe…Oh I believe, what you say of me.”

That song of Lauren Daigle’s gets me every time. When it comes on, I turn up the volume, and I sing as tears well up in my eyes…God’s Promises to us are so sweet, they are true, and we have no reason to doubt them. But do we truly believe them?

Dare I say it…Do you love yourself?

Who are you?

Who’s are you?

The Devil wants us to hate ourselves, he wants to use our pasts against us, he wants to use our fears and our failures as weapons of destruction against us…He is a liar and seeks to destroy any shred of happiness or joy we may have…. We know all of this and yet we continually fall into that same rut…. the place where the devil has us right where he wants us…. defeated, weak and depressed…. our spiritual armor is gone and we start to believe the lies….

You will never be good enough.

You will never overcome your addiction…

No one will ever love you…

You don’t deserve anything good…

You are fat and always will be…

You will always be ugly…

You all this was me…..everything I just shared was me to the very core…I was a girl on the run, broken, rebellious, defeated and NOT WORTHY of anything good. I didn’t deserve any good thing. I left a not so good home life, at the young age of 18 ready to escape it all and start a new chapter in my life. Now mind you I was not the perfect child… I had been rebellious and disrespectful towards my parents as a result of things I had experienced… things that happen to you as a child stay with you forever..the awful bullying in school led me to believe that I was fat and ugly and no one could ever love me. I didn’t feel loved by anyone, I was so insecure that I desperately searched for love because I though that would for sure change things for me.

But i’m getting ahead of myself, back to leaving home..I had a Holdeman mennonite friend that was my constant through everything I had going through. She was dependable and my best friend. So naturally I wanted to stay in that safe little bubble forever. So it was then that I joined the Holdeman Mennonites, moved away from home and into the Teacher house and began my very first year as a teacher! I loved everything about it! In my mind, this was the best year of my life! I was safe, and I was cared for. But in my mind I still wanted to be loved. Because in my mind that was what I needed to heal. And that is what would be my undoing…that sheer desperation for “earthly”love, got me expelled and I had to leave. After that my life became a blur….I was angry! Angry at God and at the church for expelling me! I was worthless….My life took such a downward spiral of all things that Satan delights in….Convincing myself that this is what I needed to do to be loved…this is what I need to do to be accepted…...but all of it was only temporary solutions.

3 years pass…I was so far gone, that I didn’t even know what to do anymore…I knew I needed God but had no idea where to start. So I decided to try and go back to the one thing, in my mind, I knew was stable…. the mennonite church…. I had made plans to go to Kansas to stay with a friend there until I got my life figured out….BUT GOD….it was then, about a week before I was to leave PA, that my future husband walked into my life, very unexpectantly. Only Jesus could take this stubborn person who had forsaken Him, and given up on everyone, and reach down and give me a blessing in the midst of utter chaos….How does that happen?! I still marvel and praise Him for that exact moment in my life… Jesus loves us that much, that even though we feel worthless and unworthy, He still delights in blessing us! That was such a turning point in my life! The day Jesus reached down, and I reached up!

Healing is a journey, that takes time…we’ve been married 6 years now and I still struggle to believe my husband when he says he loves me or for me to be vulnerable and completely trust him…My scars run deep, but my Jesus runs deeper! And everyday I am reminded that I am daughter of the King! I am His! He loves me, will never leave me, and created me for a purpose! He wants to use my past and my baggage for something beautiful! I don’t want my battle scars to disappear, because they are a reminder of the battles won! I continue to fight every single day, to keep those scars from reopening! There is healing in Jesus and I have learned that! He know our deepest heart cry and seeks to fulfill them!

Now, I don’t want you to think I don’t struggle, I do! But I now know what it means to be loved by a good Christian man, who truly loves me! Who thinks i’m beautiful, even tho I don’t. Who thinks i’m perfect, even though i’m 30lbs heavier, who has walked through my valleys and seen me at my lowest, and stuck by me, who knows my past, and chooses to love me even more.. That is the beauty of a Jesus Plan….Only He could have made all this possible for me….

To this day I still marvel at how Gods plan for my life is unfolding…..So I’ll keep playing my worship songs on repeat, and ill let the tears flow..because I BELIEVE…..I believe what you say of me Lord! Because in you I find my worth!! In you my identity! You took my every failure, my every sin and all my baggage and bore it all willingly on the cross for me, so I can be free!!

Lord Jesus thank you for all that you’ve done and are doing in my life! I pray you bless each person that reads this Lord! Let them feel your goodness and your love in their life! Bless them Lord! Let them know that they are loved and deeply treasured by you! Their pasts DO NOT define them! Their sins are remembered no more! They are forgiven! And their baggage from this life, is being carried willingly by you! Thank you Jesus.. In your precious name, Amen.

Go forth with boldness & hold your head high, because YOU MY DEAR, ARE A CHILD OF THE KING!

Love,

Courtney

Courtney MartinComment